Building a Strong Parent & Surrogate Relationship: Tips for Intended Parents

A strong, respectful, and warm relationship between intended parents and their surrogate isn't just a nice-to-have—it's the foundation of a smoother, more joyful surrogacy journey. Whether you're beginning the process or already matched with your surrogate, this article will guide you through the "why" and the "how" of creating that essential connection.

Why Is a Good Surrogate Relationship Important?

1. Your child benefits.

Even though the child won’t remember the womb experience, studies show that a stable, low-stress pregnancy environment is beneficial to fetal development. When the surrogate feels emotionally supported and the intended parents are engaged, the entire pregnancy becomes more harmonious. A good relationship helps reduce stress for everyone involved.

2. Shared decision-making about the pregnancy is easier.

Pregnancy involves dozens of choices—some big, some small. When there’s open communication and mutual respect, these decisions become more collaborative and less stressful. Everything from prenatal appointments to birth planning goes more smoothly when there's trust between the surrogate and intended parents.

3. Your surrogate thrives.

Surrogacy is a physically and emotionally demanding experience. Surrogates who feel appreciated, heard, and valued are more likely to feel fulfilled in their role. A positive relationship can be a powerful motivator, providing emotional support when things get tough.

4. You gain a sense of being part of the pregnancy.

One of the hardest parts of surrogacy for intended parents is the feeling of being "left out" of the pregnancy experience. A strong connection with your surrogate helps bridge that gap. You can share in the joys and milestones, attend appointments (virtually or in person), and build a story you'll one day tell your child.

How Do You Bond With Your Surrogate?

Building a relationship doesn’t happen overnight. It takes consistency, empathy, and a genuine interest in your surrogate as a person.

1. Start with shared expectations.

Early in the process, discuss how often you’d like to communicate, preferred methods (texts, video calls, emails), and your roles during key milestones like medical visits or the delivery. Clear expectations prevent misunderstandings and create a foundation of trust.

2. Be genuinely curious about her life.

Ask about her hobbies, family, work, and daily life. It shows you see her as more than just a part of the process—you see her as a whole person. Building rapport on a human level makes everything else easier.

3. Celebrate the small moments.

Send thoughtful messages before medical appointments, celebrate pregnancy milestones together (like the first heartbeat or halfway mark), and consider sending small care packages or thank-you notes.

4. Respect her boundaries.

While openness is great, everyone has different comfort levels. Respect her time, emotional space, and privacy. A good relationship balances closeness with healthy boundaries.

5. Include her, and let her include you.

Some surrogates love to send belly pictures, videos of kicks, or updates after OB appointments. Be responsive and engaged—it builds mutual excitement. On the flip side, include her in your emotional journey. Sharing your hopes, nerves, or dreams for the baby creates emotional reciprocity.

Conversation Starters: What Do You Say to Your Surrogate?

• "How are you feeling today? Anything new with the pregnancy?"
• "How did your appointment go? What did the doctor say?"
• "We were just thinking of you and baby today!"
• "Tell us something fun or silly that happened this week."
• "How’s your family doing?"
• "Do you need anything? How can we support you this week?"
• "Would you feel comfortable video chatting before the next appointment?"

These open-ended questions show care, keep the conversation flowing, and make your surrogate feel like an important part of your life.

Around the second trimester and beyond, you can start digging into more specific topics like:

• Birth preferences and hospital plans
• Packing lists and post-birth communication
• Long-term relationships post-birth

Open discussions now can avoid awkwardness later. You can refer to government resources for childbirth rights and maternal health standards, such as this resource or this resource.

When the pregnancy progresses, check guidelines for parental leave and infant care at this resource.

These resources help you navigate the technical and emotional sides of parenting with clarity.

Conclusion

Surrogacy is a team effort, and your relationship with your surrogate is the emotional engine behind that team. With patience, openness, and effort, this relationship can grow into a meaningful connection that enriches the journey for everyone involved—including your child. Think of it not just as a transactional arrangement, but as a partnership built on gratitude and shared purpose.

By staying involved, communicating warmly, and treating your surrogate with the respect she deserves, you’re not only ensuring a smoother process—you’re also creating a legacy of compassion that your child will one day be proud to hear about.